Written by TheKinderhookers
Okay so imagine this: you come off your five day coke binge waking up in Niverville of all places and you open your now cracked phone to see what day it is and some drag queen named Trixie has added you as an author to her WORDPRESS site because apparently you woke up in 2003 and she’s like, “Here’s some pictures of wallpaper and doorways in an old house in Kinderhook add some text and make it funny for me.”
Now mind you, this queen is a JUDGE in the Columbia County Fair’s cookie contest so you DO NOT want to piss her off. That said, there is nothing funny about Martin Van Buren’s old house. Every house in Kinderhook is old and just as haunted. So I am ignoring her photos and instead made memes for anyone who wants a snapshot of VanBuren’s life.
So let’s say you have done the two other cultural things to do around here so you’re like “IDK I’ll go see where that dead president lived.”
Early in his life, Martin VanBuren was a child. He went to school around here so good for him so did I whoop di doo. Then he married his cousin and that’s cool?
She popped out some kids then
faked her own death to move to Vegas died early.
He got into local politics but, like, so did I so again, whoop di doo I was almost mayor of Kinderhook and he was what, governor? Is that even a real title? Even before he ran for that he was guiding policy with such bombshells as this legislation:
Then he ran for president and he won! WHOA! Good for him. Happy for him. I bet it went great oh wait:
Yea the economy collapsed like 3 months into his term and that’s basically what he’s known for.
So he didn’t win re-election because everyone didn’t like being poor but that didn’t deter him: he ran for president like 25 more times!
Then he died and we have this house which is old and haunted but like c’mon welcome to Kinderhook. What do we celebrate Marty for? Marrying his cousin? A recession? Lost presidential bids? Who cares? We celebrate him anyway because he’s ours and he’s all we got!