You used to live in Long Island City while seeing someone in Jersey City, and sat on public transportation for two hours just for a “date”. Or, maybe you’re one of the few New Yorkers who has ridden the “G” line, the subway that mysteriously meanders from Queens to Brooklyn.
Now, you’re upstate, and you own a car, and it’s a mess because you had to drive through a muddy unpaved road in Cairo (pronounced KAY-row) for some begonias for your soviet-brutalism inspired front porch flower basket, that you’re secretly hoping the Hudson Preservation Commission will condemn (even though they DON’T comment on such things), just so you’ll have an interesting topic for the next dinner party – and maybe a NY Times story!
You drive into the Jiffy Lube car wash on Fairview, look at the myriad of choices on the color wheel, and it’s the last straw. You break down into tears and start sobbing, right there in the Jiffy Lube car wash port, questioning all of your life choices.
Maybe moving upstate wasn’t a good idea.
Maybe you should have stayed in Manhattan, or at least Brooklyn.
Since you’ve left, housing costs have doubled, and now you’re economically “stuck” upstate. Quel horreur!
Last night you spent over $15 on a cocktail, but today, you are looking under the car seat for a couple of quarters for the car wash.
Gurl, I’ve been there.
As a “community-service”, I write this blog to help you adjust and survive to life upstate. This website is your “safe-space”.
You can have a clean car for $2. $3-5, if you want to be fancy.
You can also bypass this post, and drive into the bourgeois automatic drive-thru car wash. If you are still driving a politically incorrect climate-changing gas-powered car and need an oil change, all oil changes at Jiffy Lube come with a free car wash (look on-line, get an oil change coupon first, then go).
Beware, this can happen:
If you have committed yourself to the powerwasher car wash port, then follow these steps:
- FIRST – take out your floor mats and put them in the floor mat holders. Pressure washer time is precious, and you do not want to waste it getting the mats out of the car.
- Close all windows/doors. (Yes, this step seems self-explanatory, but…)
- If your car is covered in dead bugs or salt, then considered adding $3 or more to the machine. The minimum is $2.
- My two favorite options are FOAM BRUSH and HIGH PRESSURE RINSE.
- You must do the next steps QUICKLY – there is no time to waste! As soon as the money goes in, you’re off! The countdown is not really seconds, you have less time than you think! It’s madness!
- Use FOAM BRUSH first, and get off the dead bugs.
- Toggle to HIGH PRESSURE RINSE for the rest of the car, and the floor mats.
You can brush foam, then rinse the car within $2-3. It may not be perfect, but it’ll be light years better than before.
After you’ve washed the car, pull into one of the vacuum spots – they are FREE! Yes, free. And unlimited. Go crazy!
One day, you’ll forget about traveling a half hour on a muddy road for begonias, and instead you’ll sift through the half-dead end-of-season plant clearance rack at Lowes. At that point, you’re never going back to NYC, just accept your new fate upstate.