The Kinderhooker: Thank you Trixie, for visiting our mayoral campaign HQ. We in Kinderhook have long enjoyed our relationship with you and the rest of the people of Hudson and as a result will likely hold off on invading, and conquering, you any time soon.
Trixie’s List: Are you running for Mayor of Kinderhook? Why?
The Kinderhooker: Of course! It is time for a candidate who understands bagels business, who is not a career politician like my “rivals” who currently serve on the village board but can bring a fresh perspective – one that is informed by the actual people living in Kinderhook and not based on being in the pockets of Big Tourism. Yes We Can Make Kinderhook OK Again.
(Also, I actually have real-world management experience and people skills.)
Trixie’s List: No, seriously, are you really running for Mayor?
The Kinderhooker: Thank you for this hard hitting question.
*Yes.
Our current mayor, Dale, ran unopposed with 236 votes. (When I hear that name I imagine he’s a professional Nascar driver. How did he find the time to run the village, when all the super fast driving requires so much focus?) With 236 votes being the gold standard, this is a very doable and winnable campaign – if people come out and vote.
*Please note: this is a write-in campaign. You have to write-in “The Kinderhooker” not plural, not anything else – The Kinderhooker.
Trixie’s List: What are some of the biggest issues facing Kinderhook?
The Kinderhooker: The three main issues I see are around transparency, small business and town security.
- We need more transparency into what is happening with the village government. Take, for example, what happened with the recent vote for marijuana businesses in the village. Most people left that village board meeting hearing my “rivals” for mayor express their support to allow dispensaries…and then in the official books it says we did NOT sign on to allow these businesses in our village. How shady is that? They essentially kicked the can down the road. We need a government that allows people’s voices to be heard and counted, and politicians who say what they mean and follow through.
- Listen. I’m not a career politician. I’m an outsider. I’m a business-person. I know budgets. I know how to attract people to a place. I know how the mute button on Zoom works. I know Gretchen Witherspoon. Wait where was I? Right – we need to reinvigorate Kinderhook by supporting more small businesses, throwing more fun events and making it the new place to be (sorry Hudson, you had your day).
- Security: we need to draw a line in the
sandsnow and keep those Chathamites out of our village! They are always infringing upon our borders. You know what? Maybe, instead of a line in the snow, we build a wall to keep them out – a fresh idea I just came up with myself.
Trixie’s List: What are your plans for Kinderhook?
The Kinderhooker: Jokes about the wall aside, (am I joking?) the main platform I’m running on is having a leader who really cares about you (yes, you) and your opinion.
I know Trixie is going to yell at me, “because an efficient politician does what needs to be done and f*ck the opinions.” But we haven’t had a time in recent history where everyone in the village got to have their voice heard. We need a post-pandemic plan for the village that is based on where we are now, not just opinions from entrenched politicians.
Part of the problem is, we locals don’t really think the government is listening to us so why try and participate in it? A recent example: Heel Motors is a proposed used car lot to be placed in the village square. Cool, right? Well a record number of people turned out to a board meeting to say “not cool” but were immediately silenced. The board was like “maybe sometime down the road we might listen to public comments, IDK you all are scary!” Uhm…bro we’re right here on the line. We were typing into the comment section saying what we think. The village board (which includes one of my “rivals”) actively ignored us.
So anything I do to facilitate public discourse will be a step up, which is nice. But my big plan is to organize events where we get to gather in fun ways and help determine the future of post-pandemic Kinderhook.
Trixie’s List: Are you still going to have an anonymous meme account?
The Kinderhooker: I will do you one better – my entire mayoral run will be run through the anonymous meme account. I will remain anonymous all four years…and still be more in touch with constituents and more available to them than my political “rivals” ever would.
Trixie’s List: Potential constituent questions on the campaign trail: I love your memes. I live in Kinderhook, but the Valatie part of Kinderhook. I can’t wait to vote for you.
The Kinderhooker: Great! You can’t though! Only people in the village (not the town) of Kinderhook can write me in as mayor. Don’t forget – it’s a write in campaign! And you have to be precise! You have to write-in “The Kinderhooker” not plural, not anything else – The Kinderhooker.
Also, you can’t do it since you’re in Valatie but GOOD NEWS! You are now the Lead Volunteer Organizer of the Valatie Advocacy for Getting Friends You Know in the Village of Kinderhook to Vote for The Kinderhooker. That’s your official title, welcome to the team.
(Want an official title on the Kinderhooker for Mayor team? DM me!)
Trixie’s List: Why isn’t there a stop sign on my corner?
The Kinderhooker: We don’t need this sort of outdated thinking in Kinderhook. Instead of trying to Stop everything, we should be saying Go! My “rivals,” an entrenched long-time politician on the village board and the guy that ACTUALLY pulled a gun on the Black Lives Matter protest in town, love to say “Stop!” (or in the latter’s case “Stop Mayor of Hudson Kamal Johnson I have a gun!” Yeah – THAT GUY is now running). And you know what happens? We never get anything done. A vote for The Kinderhooker is a vote for getting a Go sign on your corner!”
Trixie’s List: My basement floods when it rains – what are you going to do about it?
The Kinderhooker: Assuming this isn’t some sort of sexy talk and you’re talking about your very old house, I will come to your house and plug the holes with my fingers, that’s what. Because I am there for my constituents in the way that those other politicians simply never will be.
Trixie’s List: Can you bring back Cosmic Donuts?
The Kinderhooker: I will Build Cosmic Donuts Back Better.
Trixie’s List: You have a great life and hilarious meme account – aren’t you happy? Why let local politics ruin it?
The Kinderhooker: So optimistic of you that you think I have a great and happy life. I am community-minded. I care so f*cking much about Kinderhook. I know that if given the chance, we can grow and thrive as a village, whether we decide to take over Chatham or not. So it’s not about me and my maybe happy life – I’m offering my time up for the greater good.
Trixie’s List: Do you realize that you can’t just meme about local problems, but you might have to actually solve them? Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?
The Kinderhooker: Without revealing too much about myself, I have run multiple successful businesses throughout my career. I know how to balance a budget. I know how to work with diverse communities. I actually do have the training one would want in a mayor. I am a person of the people, who can explain issues in the time it takes to read an IG post. And again: I have never pulled a gun on another elected official like one of my “rivals”.
On one hand, it’s insane to vote for a meme account for mayor. And yet, here I am in communication with you, asking you to reach out and be in dialogue with me. Have the other two people running done anything like that? Do you even know their names? Have they stated what they stand for like I have here? No? Okay! All of a sudden the meme account that genuinely wants to hear from you is looking pretty…pretty…pretty good.
Trixie’s List: Is there anything inappropriate in your past that you would like to admit to now?
The Kinderhooker: Yes. I once ran a meme account about Kinderhook.
Also, I still do.
Trixie’s List: What’s your favorite bagel place?
The Kinderhooker: Nice try, Trixie. You’re not getting me with one of those NYC mayoral “how do you eat a slice of pizza” gotcha questions. All bagel places are great. I support every damn one of our local businesses.